Well, I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 on Friday and yesterday (yes, it is that good, but that's not important right now.) As you would expect, there was a wide and varied selection of trailers before the film. One for Tron, which looks quite clever because Jeff Bridges plays a younger version of himself in it. One for The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which I might go and see because I have a weird thing for Prince Caspian. One for Meet the Parents: Little Fockers which I won't go and see because it looks dreadful and their only joke is still that 'Focker' sounds like 'Fucker'.
And THEN. THEN there was this trailer. (I can't embed it.)
It's a film about a train that is unstoppable. Presumably in the same way that the Titanic was unsinkable, because obviously it's going to end with the train being stopped. But this is no ordinary unstoppable train. Oh, no. This is train with HAZARDOUS CHEMICALS on the back. 8 trucks full of hazardous chemicals to be precise! OMG, how could this get any worse?
Well, you ain't seen nothing yet. You know that unmanned train with no airbrakes and 8 trucks full of hazardous chemicals on the back of it? Well it's zooming towards a train full of cute schoolchildren! Oh, and when it stops the chemicals will cause a big explosion that will kill everyone.
Who will stop this unstoppable train? Not the corporate fatcats. They're so out of touch with the real world of real men and real trains, they just sit in their ivory towers and talk about profit and loss. The only hope for this trainload of schoolchildren and the residents of the towns, which for some reason don't seem to be being evacuated from what I can see from the trailer, is two gritty men. On the surface they might seem a little rough round the edges. They make jokes about daycare centres and retirement homes. They wear awful plaid. But both of them have a heart of gold. They love their families (you can tell because they kiss pictures of them), and they are willing to put their lives on the line to stop this unstoppable 'bitch'.
Perhaps my favourite moment in the entire trailer comes at 2:09. I really hope that it is preceded by this:
'As the police it's our job to stop this unstoppable train, but I'm stumped. How are we supposed to stop it?'
'I dunno boss, maybe we should consult an engineer or someth-'
'LET'S SHOOT AT IT!'
'Good idea, Lenny. Let's shoot at it. Why didn't I think of that? You're a smart kid.'
I also like the moment in which it states that the film is based on true events. If it has anything but the most tenuous link to anything that has ever happened, ever, I will literally eat my hat. I will get my woolly hat, put it in my mouth, chew it and swallow it. How could an unmanned train with no airbrakes and hazardous chemicals on the back ever end up zooming towards a train full of schoolchildren? How would that happen? Who would be stupid enough to allow that to happen? More importantly, if it ever had happened, wouldn't I have heard of it somewhere before?
The only reason I am tempted to see this film is an experiment to see if it is actually the worst film I have ever seen. It'll take a lot to beat the constant wanking-jokefest that is Stuck on You, but I reckon there's a chance it will.
